A Baby or Brazil???

All right - time to answer it.

Why did you want to have a child alone?

I think there are two questions here.  The easy one first.  Did I want to have a child alone?  Nope.  It wouldn't have been my first choice.  Many...and I mean MANY of my friends who have children with spouses assured me that I didn't need one - that they ended up doing all the heavy lifting anyway.  One friend, who knows me wayyy too well, did remind me that I'm a full on control freak so if anyone should do it alone, it should be mine.  Let's see the pros and cons...

Pros of doing it alone
a. No input into name selection except mine!  I remember someone's hubby favouring names like Dakota and  Phoenix and every other soap opera sounding US placename.
b. No input into the actual rearing.  (see control freak above). I can admit it, I'm sure I'd be a massive pain in the ass to co-parent with.
c. No dealing with messy divorce.  (see point b)  Seriously, I know it's an extremely negaitve view -but facts are facts and with a greater than 50% divorce rate, I had a 50/50 chance of doing it 'alone' anyway so why not remove the ex-husband from the equation.
d. see point B above...it's important

Cons of doing it alone
a. the second income. 
b. no one to hold the kid while you attempt to change the barf covered sheets at 3am
c. no one to give you a half hour break when you feel you can no longer take it anymore
d. no one to share the ride with.  Have you ever been on a vacation alone and it's killer but there is no one there to share it with?  You can take many, many pictures but it's not the same as the person being there.
e. a male role model

Now, if you were to read this list you would say - Why the hell would you do this alone - the cons totally win.  Take a closer look though, aside from the second income (and due to my measley one income I get daycare assitance from our government) and okay the barf help, the other ones don't have to be a partner. I'm surrounded by people who offer help, a hand to get off the ledge and a break.  And as far as sharing it goes - isn't that what Facebook is for?  Male role models?  Will is going to be the most well rounded male because he is swamped by them...
Uncle Ryan can teach him how to be a guys guy but still love his mother.
Uncle Simon can teach him to play guitar and handle his scotch.
Uncle Mike can teach him how to play platform tennis well (as opposed to me) and how to dress...well okay Aunt Kerri can do that.
Uncle Clark can teach him how to hunt...umm okay maybe we'll think of something else for Clark.
Grandpa can teach him how to manage his money and keep his handicap low.
Uncle Kitchen can teach him to get into concerts cheap and roll the perfect joint.

Could one father provide all of this guidance?  I'm not so sure..

Now as to why I wanted to have a baby.  I didn't really want to have a baby.  I wanted a child.  If I could have popped out a walking, talking, sleeping six year old, I would have opted for that.  Difficult as the delivery would have been.  I was terrified to have a newborn.  Terrified that I wouldn't have the patience or the inate sense of what the hell to do with one.  I remember being at my prenatal class and everyones questions were about the hospital and the birth and the epidural - oh and whether or not they could have sex at the hospital to move things along.  WTF??  Finally I just said, who cares about all this??? What the hell do I do with the thing when I get it home???  The instructor assured me that if that was what I was asking I was on the right track.  I wasn't so sure.  I'm still not so sure.  I keep thinking I'll walk into Will's room one morning and he'll magically be six and asking if he can go get some cereal.  I am flying by the seat of my pants every single day. 

Then why do it?  It's not very complicated.  I have a nephew that I'm extremely close to.  I questioned whether I could love my own child as much as I love Scotty.  I wondered if it wasn't enough to just love him and have him love me?  But then I saw the look.  It's a look that Scotty gives my sister and a look that she returns that I knew I would never be a part of.  It's for them.  It made me realize that there is a something deeper there and something that I didn't want to miss out on just because I didn't have a partner to share it with me. 

There are a thousand other reasons - and more every day but that look....

I think he was giving it to me here...oh maybe not, the blinders were in the way.

Oh the title of this entry?  I gave myself six tries to get pregnant and then I was giving it up to go to South America and learn spanish.  There are moments....trust me....there are moments where I wish I was eating empanadas and drinking tequila and wearing a thong on a beach where no one knows me. 

But then the look.